it is really difficult to say that i have a brother. God gave me one sibling. for twenty five years i've had a brother, but i don't know him. he is a stranger to me.
we've hardly ever talked. i can count the actual conversations we've had on one hand.
sometimes i think he hates me.
sometimes i think i hate him.
i don't know what i want to happen for us. i want our relationship to be healed...but what does that look like? i want to talk to him. i don't know how to. i want to know what it is like to call my brother and ask him for advice. i want to know what it is like to have him tell me about his life. wouldn't it be amazing if we could just hang out? we could grab dinner and watch a movie together. we could shop for books, or share music, or...
i don't know what to do. i am at a loss. when i finished reading franny and zooey, my heart ached. i love their relationship. i love that everything zooey said to franny, no matter how harsh, or how much, he said it all out of love. he was moved with compassion towards his sister.
i love watching 'chuck' because i just smile to see that brother/sister relationship b/w chuck and ellie that is so close and caring, full of love and looking out for each other. i wonder if there are real sibling relationships like that.
i really do want to know my brother and i want him to know me. but i am so angry. i am so hurt. i just don't know when or how or why or if...
so i'll dream of something better for us.
