Expectation.

i dream to write a novel.

do i expect to?

do i live my life in a way in which i am working toward that goal?
sort of.
does "sort of" achieve results?
not really.
i want to write a novel.
ideas stir in my head all the time.
my journals, my computer, notebooks in the closet, under the bed, chock full of ideas, stories, characters...
books full of writing advice line my shelves.
where do i begin?
just start.

brother and sister.

it is really difficult to say that i have a brother. God gave me one sibling. for twenty five years i've had a brother, but i don't know him. he is a stranger to me.

we've hardly ever talked. i can count the actual conversations we've had on one hand.
sometimes i think he hates me.
sometimes i think i hate him.

i don't know what i want to happen for us. i want our relationship to be healed...but what does that look like? i want to talk to him. i don't know how to. i want to know what it is like to call my brother and ask him for advice. i want to know what it is like to have him tell me about his life. wouldn't it be amazing if we could just hang out? we could grab dinner and watch a movie together. we could shop for books, or share music, or...

i don't know what to do. i am at a loss. when i finished reading franny and zooey, my heart ached. i love their relationship. i love that everything zooey said to franny, no matter how harsh, or how much, he said it all out of love. he was moved with compassion towards his sister.

i love watching 'chuck' because i just smile to see that brother/sister relationship b/w chuck and ellie that is so close and caring, full of love and looking out for each other. i wonder if there are real sibling relationships like that.

i really do want to know my brother and i want him to know me. but i am so angry. i am so hurt. i just don't know when or how or why or if...

so i'll dream of something better for us.

here is where

the sun hides behind the earth
blue skies melt to black
God's eyes never close.

here is where we used to sit and talk for hours.
this is where we sat and watched the sunset.
here is where we laughed watching the birds bathe in the water.
here is where we cried just thinking about it all.
here is where we shivered as the sun slipped away and the sky turned to black.
here is where you told me, "no matter how dark it gets my eyes never close."

reading to make better writers and speakers.

this weekend i am working on developing my unit of study for a high school english class. as i recently began tutoring high school students, i've found that the writing skills of freshman and sophomores are just not up to par, in fact, they are quite atrocious.

trying to convey all of the rules of writing and grammar is not so easy. i'm finding it is not the most effective thing to simply tell, and even demonstrate through examples and practice in writing sentences and paragraphs.

i think what truly makes better writers is being a good, or at least, avid reader.
(note: what makes a good reader? a definite topic for another blog)
the more we read, and the more diverse the material we read, the more well acquainted we are with all kinds of different language, voice, tone, mood, etc. AND, not only that, we understand better the basics of grammar because we are used to seeing it.

so, i've decided to focus my unit of study upon a mix of lessons aimed to make students better writers...meeting the state standards, based on examples of the great writers! thus, this venture in writing shall also help develop better oral speakers as well. (hopefully)

honestly and earnestly

i write. there is beauty in the words we offer up. there is purpose in the words that come from us.

i want to write to make things better.

i have two themes in my head for writing this year. writing for change, writing to make things better almost always involves trying to understand what other's think and the points of view they maintain, as well as, being able to communicate those perspectives to readers. i want to profoundly connect to those who may ever read what i write.

the two themes in my head:
encountering religions &
singleness.

where will these ideas go? in which direction will they shape themselves? how will they come to life in the form of written word?

i will write honestly and earnestly.

shame.

this word, it can evoke so much. have you ever felt shame? i mean, really felt it. what does it feel like? what is it associated with?

shame is one of my least favorite things. shame only serves to bring me down. it is something of an entirely different variety that brings me out of shame.

shame is painful.

sometimes shame is associated with guilt, embarassment, worth, or disgrace. it is the result of personal sin, or someone else's sin.

before adam and eve ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, shame had not existed. with sin crept in shame.

shame deflates any value you once felt. shame causes alienation, usually self-inflicted. shame breeds lies. shame finds you no matter how much you try to run or hide from it. it is always there...until you decide to deal with it face to face.

so what do we do with shame?

The Discussion.

Can I tell you something?
Sure.
Well, it’s kind of hard to say out loud.
Okay. You don’t have to tell me.
Well, I want to. I guess it’s just that…I just wanted you to know that it’s hard for me to say.
Okay.
I’m just really bad at relationships. Like, really bad.
I don’t think anyone is an expert.
No, I know. What I mean is…
You aren’t looking for a relationship?
No, it isn’t that…
Okay.
Long Pause.
I’m just really, really bad at it. I just kind of need to move in slow motion. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve never been in a relationship before. Well, not really anyway. And the dysfunctional interactions I’ve had with the male species thus far have just made me realize that I wasn’t ready for a relationship all the times in the past I thought I was. Sometimes I wondered if I was ever meant to be someone’s girlfriend, let alone wife. I’m just not the kind of girl who naturally enters into relationships. I’ve never participated in anything serious and intimate before. With anyone… and...I just wanted you to know that.
(Smiles) Okay.